Not for thee

It is unbelievable when it happens in your life. It hits you like a sucker punch that you never saw coming. There is no rehearsal or planning for it, it just piles on you like a ton of concrete.  Each time it seems to hurt as much has the first experience. It is impossible to build strength, tolerance or generalization of this feeling.

Betrayal is a horribly puzzling feeling.

Think of a time in your life when you really trusted in someone. You thought the relationship was stone solid able to withstand the test of time and challenge. You pressed into the relationship deeply wholly investing yourself intensively.  You even lost touch with yourself focusing only on acceptance by the other person. You began defining yourself as measured by the other person.  Your mission was full acceptance. You only felt happiness when the other person was happy. When this person was sad, you became the target, when angry you became ashamed. Your identity tangled in their fugue of narcissism. The boundaries of who you are no longer exist unless colored by the other person. Robbed by the a thief in the night, you are left empty and lifeless.  You continue pushing forward each day painfully existing in the shadow of this other person.

The illusion created in your mind is the new roadmap to your existence. You define reality based upon the “should be’s or the outta’s in life.” The perfect give and take relationship. This type of sliver screen relationship is characterized by romance, wealth or power.  When any of these illusions do not come to fruition in reality, it feels as though you have been betrayed.  That someone who you entrusted your mind, heart and spirit, abused the awesome power of the relationship for personal gain.

This betrayal reminds me of the Wizard in the Story of Oz. The illusion that a power greater than life itself existed within the Wizard.  A relationship you believed in, that you trusted, a person who became your faith in the world was not as awesome and wonderful as was once thought.  When you pull back the curtain, you screamed AHHH! it was not what you expected and even farther from the truth.

The Wizard’s irreverent lies hurt all those who believed in him.

I have been on the receiving end of a couple of Wizard’s lately. The wounds from these relationship run wide and deep. While my skin has grown thicker over time, the bruising is a constant reminder of the hurt.  The truth in each situation has taught me a few important values. Being true with oneself is the essential insulation required for self-protection. Never, ever let yourself be defined by someone else no matter how much you love and trust your relationship. Forgiveness is essential to restoration. Lastly, at the end of life, we all have one maker and live in judgement of our decisions leading to our words and actions.

“Not for Thee.” but for me.