There have been a number of events that have happened lately that made me think about how often we dance around what we really are feeling. Sometimes in situations we are so afraid to speak the truth the entire relationship becomes fake. Funny thing is this fear of truth becomes paradoxical. We are so worried that the truth will hurt someone yet we end up hurting them by not being truthful. This thought can apply to any relationship. It could hold true in a friendship or with colleagues at work, even in a romantic relationship. We can spend so much energy trying to protect someones feelings that suddenly the entire relationship becomes a lie.
I learned a new concept in the message of a presenter the other day. He spoke of the 90/10 rule. This was a new concept. At first I believe he was going to speak of the 80/20 rule, where 80% of our troubles can come from only 20% of our life. But instead he did mean the 90//10 rule. He explained that in relationships we are focused on only 90% of communicating openly. You know what this is about right? We stuff feelings and we talk all around the real issues. Just the saying, “we are avoiding talking about the 800 pound gorilla on the table.” The conversation avoids talking about any conflict. He explained that this was the 10%. The ten percent of our feelings that we are too afraid to share with others for fear that we will cause conflict or hurt their feelings.
So we never share the straight dope. We stuff our feelings leaving without having talked about that the 10% of truths behind our emotions. Instead we can dance around the entire issues never really making any traction in the relationship. Essentially lying to ourselves as well as others in our relationship. Do this many times and suddenly the relationship can become distant. So distant the relationship can feel emotionally separate, until eventually there is not reason to be together.
I found the 90/10 rule seriously interesting. Think about it for a minute. Think of all the times you left a meeting or felt bad after a verbal exchange with a friend or partner. Think about how angry you were, unsatisfied or dejected. Now imagine for a moment that you were strong enough to live in the 10%. Sharing the entire 100% of your feelings trusting that in the end the person would still respect and love you. Imagine what that might feel like. I am thinking it could only feel validating, authentic and real.
The straight dope can only make for a healthier relationship right?
I am thinking if that doesn’t work you may need to try smoking it.